Millie Bobby Brown Adopts Fellow Child Actors

By Dean Woods

HAWKINS, IN – Prolific 21-year old actress Millie Bobby Brown, a.k.a. Millie Bonnie Bongiovi, a.k.a. Millie Bon Bon, a.k.a. Mills, a.k.a. MBBB, made headlines in the past year for her record-breaking speedrun of marriage and adoption. The young star, known for hits such as Godzilla vs. Kong and duds such as Godzilla: King of the Monsters, has once again shocked the nation by announcing that she’s adopting all of her fellow child actors from Stranger Things.

“I really want a large family, and that’s why I’ve decided to adopt these wonderful children,” revealed Brown in an exclusive interview, referring to Finn Wolfhard, Gaten Matarazzo, Sadie Sink, Caleb McLaughlin, and even Noah Schnapp. Wolfhard was available for comment, as he is now unemployed: “I didn’t even know this was happening. I’m older than her and I already have parents. She just showed up at my door and said I’m her son now.”

Other actors expressed similar sentiments. “Please help. I miss my mom and dad and siblings!” pleaded Matarazzo to reporters on the red carpet. “How silly of my boy!” responded Jake Bongiovi, pushing his new son aside. Sink, McLaughlin, and even Schnapp were unable to respond to reporters, and haven’t been seen since entering the Brown-Bongiovi residence.
Some viewers have pointed out that the goal of the main villain of Stranger Things5 is to collect 12 children and use them to carry out his evil plans. When asked if she had noticed this concerning similarity, Brown replied “Oh my goodness! I forgot about that. I’ll adopt all 12 of them next.”