Performative Mailman Exclusively Delivers Scarlet Letters

By Kira Wallace

BOSTON, MA — Kyle Clawhorne knows that as a straight, white mailman, he has the deck stacked against him. With practically no victim cards to play aside from “confusing feelings for that short Irish fellow in the Saltburn movie,” Clawhorne views his job as more of a calling. “When I deliver letters, I try to make sure I’m sending a message. Mailmen are strictly prohibited from opening any letters not intended for us, so while I am unfamiliar with any of Scarlet’s Letters or their significance in the feminist wave, I like to show my support for the cause by stamping a large ‘A’ to each envelope addressed to her. I would give them all A-pluses, but I believe that the only address deserving of such a high grade is ‘Madame President,’” Clawhorne explained, a thin bead of sweat dripping down his Clairo t-shirt.

A proud mailman for the past 18 weeks, Clawhorne graduated from Slippery Rock College with a major in Communications. In our tandem bicycle interview with him, the Sack was privileged enough to watch his process in real time. At each stop on his route, Clawhorne scanned through his bag, carefully removing only those marked with his signature stamp. He made a point to toss each letter underhanded in the general direction of its intended recipient, likely a nod to the 2014 “throw like a girl” movement heralded by then-13-year-old Little League World Series pitcher Mo’ne Davis.

Most of the letters landed short of the curb, where fireman Guy Montag promptly incinerated them. As a result, we were unable to reach Scarlet for comment.