Divorced Father Wins Children’s Presence at Thanksgiving With Promises of Underage Drinking

By Phineas Kelly

LOS ANGELES, CA – In a stunning victory, divorcee Jason Gantt, 47, successfully convinced his two children, Sara, 19, and Mikey, 15, to spend their Thanksgiving holiday with their father by promising them copious amounts of alcohol.

The agreement marks a significant milestone for single, divorced fathers nationwide. Previously, it was believed that tolerating the drab bachelor pad and ready-made Thanksgiving spread, composed of a Popeyes turkey, instant mashed potatoes, and back-of-the-fridge green beans, was impossible for more than a few polite minutes. “It’s a huge moment for me, personally and professionally,” said Jason, a man who seriously needs to get his act together. “I’m just happy to peel them away from their mom for a few hours and really get to know them. As friends, you know? Ooh, like a ‘Friends’–giving! Damn I’m good.”

The deal was apparently brokered two days before the holiday when Jason texted his children to propose a “chill vibes kinda night”, with “as many IPAs as I can find in my mini-fridge.” Though the children initially balked at the terms of the deal, they were eventually persuaded by his multiple voice messages to them, in which he wailed dismally for several minutes before promising a few boxes of Franzia.

“Honestly, we don’t even care about the drinks,” Sara said. “We just feel really bad for the guy. It was actually Mom’s idea for us to go, just to check up on him. Last time we visited, I drove him to the hospital because he got winded from Wii golf.” In between sips of a stunningly disgusting red boxed wine, Mikey agreed. “Every time he drinks he starts getting all weird about his dad, and how mom and ‘step-Jeremy’ are doing these days, and asking us why his ‘EBay for used mattresses’ app isn’t taking off. Last time, I had to convince him that buying an underwater real estate license was a bad investment.”