Sock Industry Buckles Down for the Holidays

By Jada Leung

NORTH POLE – As the clock struck November, deep in the vestiges of Alaska or something, the sock factories of the world slowly emerged from their slumber.

The sock industry, under loving joint-custody between Hanes, Adidas, and 10 other companies you’ve heard of that also happen to make socks, has noticed slow business throughout most of the year when no one really ever buys socks because that’s weird. Introducing year-round novelty items like Socks with Cats, Socks with Tacos, and Socks with Taco Cats has yielded minor success, but nothing compares to the rush of feet-based gift-giving.

“Typically it’s just 14-year-old boys buying bulk orders in our DMs,” said John Sock, inventor of the sock. “But something changes in the winter. Now, your Aunt Jenny is on Facebook Messenger, begging for a piece of this hot ass.”

Faced with the upcoming season, Mr. Sock has woken up his factories, spit on all his workers, and begun a historic output of socks. “No breaks, no overtime, everyone is family here,” he shouted over the noise of factory screaming. “I don’t care about your seasonal depression. Think of the possibility of footsie being played at Christmas dinner, and lock the fuck in.”