White House Announces Band-Aids The Cause of Sepsis 

By Sarah Ruiz

WASHINGTON, D.C. – This afternoon President Trump and U.S. Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Robert F. Kennedy, Jr. unveiled new research regarding the development of sepsis, concluding that the leading cause is, in fact, Band-Aids.

While HHS has not yet released the formal research to the public, Kennedy did share key findings with the press. “In all cases examined, including animal bites, rusty metal cuts, and unsanitary medical equipment, we found that Band-Aids were the leading first stage of treatment in wounds that later developed sepsis,” he explained. 

While this is a frightening piece of data, Kennedy assured the press that not all Band-Aids are made equal. Band-Aids with Disney cartoon characters increase one’s likelihood of developing sepsis by nearly 300%, while Band-Aids produced by CutCorp, The Nation’s leading investor in artificial intelligence and nuclear weapons, had minimal effects on the development of sepsis.