by Finn Kobler
VATICAN CITY – Last Wednesday, fans of 1994 hit show “Friends” and 594 B.C.E hit book “The Bible” uproared when Pope Francis made a shocking declaration. When asked to sort lesser demons into hit nineties sitcom characters, the pontiff claimed that Onoskelis, the Fallen Angel of Perversion, was a Monica Geller — despite clear signs that she was a Chandler Bing.
Pope Francis initially had the crowd on his side with insightful (if not obvious) pairings of nefarious fiend to nineties farce. He noted that Beelzebub, the prince of fallen angels, would likely be a Jerry from “Seinfeld” based on his natural leadership abilities and Judeo-Christian heritage. He also mentioned that Solas, governor of twenty-six legions of demons, would probably be a Frasier from “Cheers” due to his devilish wisdom and spinoff series where he moves to Seattle and starts a radio show with a woman named Roz.
However, his fans became skeptical once he began making comparisons to “Friends.” His first slip-up was equating God to Joey. He tried to justify his reasoning by saying that “both are lovable men who work in mysterious ways,” but that sentiment was immediately dismissed by the regular churchgoers. “God isn’t Joey. God is awesome, and Joey really sucks. God’s like a Phoebe if anything,” said Vatican President Giuseppe Bertello.
Tensions only escalated when the Pope began citing the Geller family. Before the crowd knew it, he was drawing comparisons to the revival of Lazarus and that one episode where Ross kept yelling “MY SANDWICH,” while blatantly ignoring tell-tale behaviors that Onoskelis was a Chandler.
In fact, one of Onoskelis’ famous sayings was “Ego Onoskelis. Non potuerunt ultra BE de le Chaundeler?” or, roughly translated from Latin, “I am Onoskelis. Could I BE any more of a Chandler?”
Pope Francis quickly apologized, but Catholic churches everywhere have been trying to recover from this colossal faux pas. According to Reverend Father Ernesto Cardenal: “This is almost as bad as that time Pope John Paul II wore white after Labor Day. Talk about an anti-patriot!”