Overweight Republican Candidates to Follow Carson’s “Fruit Salad of Life” Diet

by Aaliyah Qureishi

AMERICA — Former GOP candidate Ben Carson has recently withdrawn from the Presidential Race, in order to propagate his new diet where dieters are encouraged to sustain themselves on the “fruit salad of their lives.” Carson states that although the diet was originally intended for the new Supreme Court justice, he has decided to take it further, since he has so much free time now.

His novel idea has proven so effective that even his former Republican competitors have hopped onboard in order to look their best for the upcoming debates.

Chris Christie has gone so far as to cite the diet more effective than his lap-band surgery. He claims that the most asked question about him has gone from “How much does Chris Christie weigh?” to more relevant questions like “Why is Chris Christie running?,” “Is Chris Christie still running?” and “Does Chris Christie even know how to run?”

“It’s great to see Ben finally doing something he likes,” said Ted Cruz. “We could all tell he was having a hard time keeping up with foreign policy and national security. And, what’s more, his diet works! I’ve lost 5 pounds, and I think I look great!”

“Did the Zodiac Killer have a jawline this chiselled? No. He didn’t. I mean, he probably didn’t. I wouldn’t know.”

“I just don’t understand how obesity affects so many people,” asked Carson, dumbfounded at why this was a problem in the first place. “Not only would I probably not cooperate with it, I would not just stand there and let it get me.”

Carson asserts that his diet is foolproof: “I was a neurosurgeon for more than 30 years, so I obviously know a thing or two about food. I recommend this diet to everyone: people who want to lose weight, people who want to gain weight, and people like me, who are physically perfect but just like fruit salad.”