JCPenney Now Only JC After Filing For Bankruptcy
By Drew Thomas-Nathan PLANO, TX — On top of filing for bankruptcy and closing 242 stores, department store JCPenney announced Read more
World
Seven-Year-Old Playing Doctor Put to Work in COVID-19 Unit
by Melanie Hoffmann ONTARIO, CA — Medical school students across the country have been graduating early to help fight the Read more
New Netflix Dating Show Literally Just Locking Two Horses in a Barn and Swallowing the Key
By Drew Thomas-Nathan LOS GATOS, CA — Have you already binged Too Hot to Handle and Love Is Blind? Want Read more
White House Panics After Grimes and Elon Musk Name their Baby the Nuclear Launch Codes
By Melanie Hoffmann WASHINGTON, DC — When Tesla CEO Elon Musk and musical artist Claire Boucher (“Grimes”) announced the name Read more
CDC Recommends Everyone Wear Spider-Man Mask to Distract the Coronavirus and Let the Real Spider-Man Escape
By Drew Thomas-Nathan QUEENS, NY — The Center for Disease Control and Prevention put out new guidelines Thursday morning urging Read more
“Hey, This is Kinda Neat,” Reports Local Man After Washing His Hands for the First Time
by Jonathan Krone Dayton, OH — After widespread fear surrounding the recent outbreak of coronavirus, local man Dennis Whitman finally Read more
Whole World Pivots to Video
By Drew Thomas-Nathan EARTH — The entire world economy has finally pivoted to video content, your own eyes and ears confirmed Read more
“America’s Got Talent” Cancelled Because We Don’t
by Staff LOS ANGELES — The hearts of bored mothers everywhere were broken on Monday when NBC announced startling news: the Read more
Three Little Pigs Not Allowed to Testify, Big Bad Wolf Acquitted
By Seth Woodhouse THE BIG WIDE WORLD — The Aesopnate voted narrowly Friday to bring the imscreechment trial of the Read more
All the Memories From Before Mom Died That Are Now Available On Disney+
By Drew Thomas-Nathan ANAHEIM, CA — The streaming wars are heating up, and your entertainment overlords over at the Walt Read more