Football Gamblers Place Bets on Which PAC-12 Teams Will Cause Largest COVID-19 Outbreak in Their Surrounding Areas
By Rachel Michelman LOS ANGELES, CA — With the return of football for the Pac-12 Conference, sports gamblers now have
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Sports
Los Angeles Lakers Piss in Every Single Corner of Staples Center to Establish Dominance Over Clippers
By Carson Diamond LOS ANGELES, CA — Fresh off their NBA Finals victory, the Los Angeles Lakers once again decided
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Female Jogger Breaks Personal Record for Most Miles with Van Following
By Melanie Hoffmann TUCSON, AZ — On Thursday, local Tucson resident Winona Clark passed a personal milestone in her fitness Read more
Local Man Reaches Bottom of Pornhub
By Jonathan Krone HOBOKEN, NJ — During a long and unsuccessful search for the perfect porno to stroke his sausage Read more
Threesome Less Fun After Two People Cancel Last-Minute
By Finn Kobler Frat registers shut down by police. Q&A screenings with directors who never showed. That one thing Fetti Read more
Coolest Sixth Grader Ever Throws Ball Far
By Jonathan Krone JEFFERSON MIDDLE SCHOOL — Local sixth grader Jeffrey Sanderson cemented his status as the undisputed king of Read more
Huge Skateboard No Match For Tiny Rock
by Seth Woodhouse LOS ANGELES, CA — It was like any Tuesday for Gerald the Carbon GTR Skateboard, as his Read more
12 Year Old Receives 3 Miami Dolphins Players in Trade for Full Size Snickers Bar
By Jonathan Krone MIAMI, FLORIDA — In a move that shocked analysts and organizations throughout the league, local 12-year-old Bryce Davidson Read more
Student Running to Class Gripping Freshly Printed Essay Like It’s the Goddamn Olympic Torch
By Dan Toomey TROUSEDALE PARKWAY — Students gawked in anticipation and embarrassment on Friday as a heaving, perspiring freshman sprinted Read more
USC Athletics Hires Guy Who Was Really Good At Madden NFL 12
by Chris Cheshire HERITAGE HALL -- In front of a stunned crowd of local journalists, USC Athletic Director Lynn Swann Read more