Report: Mom Not Going to Ask You Again
by Christine Politte It’s been two hours since Mom asked you to take out the trash, and you haven’t moved Read more
Local
Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon
by Drew Thomas-Nathan Burbank, CA -- After two decades spent purchasing beloved storytelling institutions, the Walt Disney Company has managed Read more
Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex
by Drew Thomas-Nathan JONESBOROUGH, TN -- An explosive revelation arrived straight out of Saint Peter’s Church as 14-year-old Jacob Barrow Read more
Report: Praying Mantis Loses Faith in God
by Amanda Douglas Praying Mantis Phil Mayes recently lost faith in God, he reported on Tuesday afternoon. Mayes grew up Read more
Parents Thinking of Trying Restaurant That Opened Five Years Ago
by Christine Politte OVERLAND PARK, KANSAS -- During a phone call this Saturday, sophomore Leah Anderson’s parents said they were Read more
Trump Cites Crazy Rich Asians as Evidence that China is Winning the Trade War
by Melanie Hoffmann President Trump caused controversy this week when he credited recent Hollywood blockbuster Crazy Rich Asians as evidence Read more
SCA’s George Lucas Building to be Renamed in Light of Allegations That He Sucks
by Keith Herrmann SCA – USC’s School of Cinematic Arts has moved forward with plans to remove George Lucas’s name Read more
Millennials Are Killing All This West Side Story Choreography
by Drew Thomas-Nathan SEATTLE, WA -- The millennial generation has been on a murder spree recently, killing everything this country Read more
Step Aside Herbie the Love Bug, Here Comes URB-E the F*ck Scooter
by Ian Riley USC -- In 1968, the world was introduced to an irascible Volkswagen named Herbie the Love Bug Read more
Mars Rover Told There Would Be Other Rovers When It Got There
by Keith Herrmann MARS – A lonesome NASA rover sent to collect evidence of ancient life on Mars was falsely informed that Read more