Author: Drew Thomas-Nathan

Attention Vortex Columns 

Quiz: Is He Into You or Does He Want to Kill You and Your Siblings To Get His Hands on the Baudelaire Fortune?

January 9, 2019January 9, 2019 Drew Thomas-Nathan 307 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan Finding a good man is difficult, especially when it has been highly publicized that your parents perished Read more

Local 

Surplus of Spring Admits to be Housed in Forested Wolf Dens

January 7, 2019 Drew Thomas-Nathan 283 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan GRIFFITH PARK, CA -- Due to a lack of available freshman housing space, some students admitted for Read more

Local 

Dentist Saving Best Toothbrushes For Self on Halloween

October 30, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 247 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan SAN DIEGO, CA -- Dr. Ted Denison, a 44-year-old local dentist with patients from ages 4 to Read more

Columns Strong Feelings 

Op-Ed: I Bet I Could Kick Neil Armstrong’s Ass Now That He’s Dead

October 18, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 1252 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan HOUSTON, TX -- Lately, the news has not been kind for male icons of yesteryear. While the Read more

Local 

Disney Buys the Vatican, Declares Crusades Non-Canon

October 15, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 751 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan Burbank, CA -- After two decades spent purchasing beloved storytelling institutions, the Walt Disney Company has managed Read more

Local 

Bible Fan’s Favorite Part is the Cousin Sex

October 11, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 727 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan JONESBOROUGH, TN -- An explosive revelation arrived straight out of Saint Peter’s Church as 14-year-old Jacob Barrow Read more

Local 

Millennials Are Killing All This West Side Story Choreography

September 25, 2018September 25, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 1036 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan SEATTLE, WA -- The millennial generation has been on a murder spree recently, killing everything this country Read more

Local 

Teacher’s Pet Pees on Rug

February 28, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 987 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan TAPER HALL -- Many college students feel pressure to engage with faculty thanks to the rat race Read more

Local 

Freshmen Move Empty Smirnoff to Trash Like They’re Hiding a Body

January 16, 2018 Drew Thomas-Nathan 1556 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan BIRNKRANT RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE -- A group of freshmen spent the last several days getting an empty bottle Read more

Local 

Study Finds Stabbing Knife Into Table Still Best Way to Get Everyone’s Attention

November 29, 2017 Drew Thomas-Nathan 1568 Views

by Drew Thomas-Nathan LOS ANGELES -- A newly published scientific study found that the best way to get a room’s Read more