By Sarah Cortina
CHICAGO, IL — The summer of being vaxxed and waxed turned south for self-proclaimed ‘Chicago hot girl’ Rebecca Smith (from Naperville) after she reported feeling warm and fuzzy in the right and wrong place after her first day of Lollapalooza.
“It was, like, so amazing being back to live music after so long. And like, I met this amazing guy. It was literally so romantic. He told me he wanted to chew my Molly bracelet and then next thing I knew we were fucking in a porta potty,” said Rebecca, cheeks and presumably nether regions, red hot. “I know, so gross but I just got caught up in the heat of the moment. Then I sent him a message and for some reason it says pending? Must be a new Snapchat update.”
However, the heat of the moment quickly turned into heat while urinating in the days following the festival. Local gynecologist Dr. Dana Whitaker explained, “This is a yearly occurrence after frontal lobes get overloaded with ecstasy and hormones. In fact, Lollapalooza should give out condoms because it gets to the point they copulate in portable bathrooms. At this point sex at Lolapalooza is akin to the march of the butterflies or geese migrating, an unstoppable ritue of passage.” While the event was dubbed to be a non superspreader of COVID, it appears the same cannot be said for certain STDs.
Luckily, Smith received antibiotics soon after the festival without her parents knowing. Remember everyone, stay positive and test negative! And please use condoms.