By Mia Young
OMAHA, NE – Area man Robert Peterson has rescinded his title of “area man” after being forced to flee due to tax-related federal crimes.
Peterson could not be reached to comment as his current whereabouts are unknown to authorities. However, his wife, Sandy Peterson, reported that she “can’t believe he’d do this to me” and that he could “go fuck himself.” According to her, Peterson has left behind an enviable life: a stable office job, his white picket fenced home and his 1.93 children.
Locals say that Peterson has long embraced his title as “area man” by dancing badly at neighborhood barbecues and mowing his lawn at seven in the morning. Consequently, many were shocked by his recent disappearance. Fifty-year-old women throughout town are settling on the theory that he “must’ve gotten into those drugs.”
Peterson’s family has given up on tracing him, however, they did present authorities with a note he left behind right before fleeing. “Don’t look for me, it’s not worth it. It’s not my fault that the IRS can’t take a joke.”