By Preston Long
LOS ANGELES, CA —At its founding, the Sack of Troy dedicated itself to one thing: holding the powerful accountable. Nearly a decade later, and we have never let anything divert us from that mission, not attempted bribes, political suppression, or bristle-bearded sprites full of sinister Irish magic. But early this morning, the unthinkable happened: the comprehensive critique of Biden’s fiscal policy that we spent months painstakingly researching was ruined, dyed completely green.
Even the interviews we recorded with legendary Truman-era economist August Whitmore were taped over, replaced with small voices singing the Bawdy Ballad of Hugo O’Hanraghty. Do you have any idea how hard it is to interview the August Whitmore? This is the darkest day for our industry since Santa flew directly into the Los Angeles Newscopter.
We thought we had taken all the necessary precautions. We interviewed hundreds of fiscal policy experts on both sides of the aisle to prevent accusations of bias. We even put our legal team on standby in case our hard-hitting coverage struck a nerve in the Biden administration. But if there is one thing we regret, it is not leaving a bowl of cream outside our office, as is customary for warding off leprechauns. These are basic journalistic practices that we did not honor, and for that, we are truly sorry.
To the leprechauns who perpetrated this terrible, whimsical attack: does the freedom of the press mean nothing to you? Take a look at what you have done.
What are we supposed to do with this? Does it say something about how Biden’s aggressive spending will overheat our battered economy? Honestly, who cares any more. We would tell everyone to invest in gold just in case, but given the circumstances, probably not.
This report would have won us our Pulitzer, we were sure of it. So sure that we alienated our family and friends spending long hours in the office. We even worked through Christmas, but we told ourselves it would all be worth it. We hope you are happy, leprechauns, because now we have ruined two holidays.
To make matters worse, the leprechauns also pinched our finance editor for not wearing green, and because of his acute hemophilia, he bled out instantly. Leprechauns, your hijinks have robbed a family of their son. There is blood on your wee little hands, and that is one thing no amount of colored dye can cover up.
To all the readers who count on us for our firm-but-fair political coverage: we are sorry. And to the rotten, redheaded bastards who ruined everything for us: your pranks have consequences, and your hijinks are antithetical to our democracy.
We sincerely hope your next rainbow leads directly into a wood chipper.