By Hannah Ryan
CULVER CITY, CA – A local Star Wars LARPing group has been torn apart by recent allegations of “fake fannery,” which arose after a certain member of the group (who wishes to be unnamed) requested that he wield a pink lightsaber at their next galactic affair. Fellow members were outraged by the request, because everyone knows that pink light sabers don’t exist in the Star Wars universe, and anyone who thinks that is clearly an imbecile.
“I am appalled to have experienced such shameful behavior from one of our own,” said Jake Gibson, President and Jedi Master of the STARLARP Committee. “From day one, we ensure our members are clear on the canonical colors their plasma blades and kyber crystals may be. These weapons require extreme skills and rigorous training, and uninformed morons pose a severe risk when wielding such power.”
Other members agreed, such as STARLARP Treasurer Darcy McBride: “We are a safe space that prides itself on providing opportunities for padawans and jedis to gather and share actual knowledge. Anyone who wants a pink lightsaber is amoral and not welcome here.” McBride explained further by stating that “The closest saber color is red, and that’s literally an evil Sith color. I mean, look at Darth Vader, Maul, and Sidious! Anyone who is idiotic enough to want a pink saber belongs with the Empire.”
The member in question has since been terminated, but Gibson noted that “He joined our rival group, the Sith Babies, on Facebook, but I’m not worried; I’m sure he’ll tear their group apart like he did ours.” He explained, “We’ve been a little weaker than them in terms of membership because they go all out with their bad guy attire. Latex bodysuits and gloves that aren’t even accurate, you know? They just want to look sexy, and that is NOT what Star Wars LARPing is about.”
Before further statements could be gathered, the STARLARP members released a deafening Wilhelm scream and fled with their arms flailing behind them, emulating a fleet of starships. One member was promptly shot down by a representative of the Sith Babies, who was hiding in the bushes and declined to comment beyond a simple “Pew pew, motherfucker.”