By Emily Torp
WASHINGTON – As part of the montage presented during the second impeachment trial, former President Donald Trump’s legal defense team used footage from the USC student body saying “Fight on!” to show Democrats “inciting violence.”
Michael Van Der Veen, Trump’s head defense lawyer and personal injury attorney, explained. “USC’s motto is the #1 reason there is crime in South Central Los Angeles. They are telling people to fight – what do you expect? Hugs and kisses? It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together.”
Others condemned in the video include Rachel Platton for “Fight Song,” Brad Pitt’s character in the critically acclaimed movie “Fight Club,” and Carl Douglas for his 1974 hit “Kung Fu Fighting,” which they claim is solely responsible for the current uptick in anti-Asian hate crimes.
“Noticeably missing from the video was the entire crowd at every single WWE match who chant ‘Fight! Fight! Fight!’ as greased up meat heads in two inches of spandex try to knock each others’ teeth out,” said Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH). “I think this is because some of my colleagues across the aisle frequently attend these staged fist-fights” continued Brown, who wanted to be clear he was NOT talking about Boozman and Crapo, the Senate’s only professional arm wrestling duo.
Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren was happy to comment on the hypocrisy of the video. “You know, it’s sad that Republicans don’t use both hemispheres of their brain at the same time. Maybe they should try it – it could help them understand metaphors, hyperboles, and alliteration. And humor! My dog Chief Powhatan Bailey tells the funniest jokes, and always makes sure they are politically correct.”
USC, after years of being accused of being racist, classist, and insensitive, is willing to accommodate these conservatives for the sake of fairness, and pleasing the Board of Trustees. President Carol Folt collaborated with both Democrats and Republicans to change the motto to “Wrestle Continuously (Respectfully, With Only Those Who Consent, But Never Sacrifice Your Freedom!)” Folt refused to change the official USC hand sign from the peace sign to just the middle finger.
“House Republican Press Conference on Health Care Reform” by House GOP Leader is licensed under CC BY 2.0[
“USC Fan” by AngryJulieMonday is licensed under CC BY 2.0