By Rachel Michelman
LOS ANGELES, CA – A barrel at the bottom of the lake. Suffocated by a pillowcase in a hotel room. Dismembered with body parts cemented into blocks of concrete. Local true crime aficionado Alice Kennedy has heard of them all… and she loves them.
“Oh my god! It would be such a shame if someone wanted to bludgeon me to death and dissolve my body in concentrated hydrofluoric or sulfuric acid. And it’d be so hard for the police to find any DNA after my murderer scrubbed down every surface. I mean what if people didn’t realize I was gone until months later when they found my journal with pages torn out and a passage referring to the Bible in handwriting that wasn’t my own.” swooned Kennedy as she fanned herself.
“It’s a shame that I’m a brunette woman between the ages of 18 to 23, who lives alone in an apartment on Helman Street—a notoriously quiet and dark neighborhood.” she added. “I wonder if they’d talk about me on Buzzfeed Unsolved or True Crime Daily to publicize my mysterious death and bring attention to the anonymous tip line since there’s no evidence of forced entry or my remains.”
Along with tweeting, “2:39 am: Anderson Library, isle K-L. Bookends, lanyard with keys, butcher knife” and “4:06 pm: Basement of creepy old building. Hunting rifle, flammable liquids, fuzzy handcuffs,” Kennedy has also tagged Senator Ted Cruz and O. J. Simpson in multiple tweets. Both declined to comment on her statements about being “a Virgo willing to move to San Francisco for convenience” and “how the glove would fit so nicely around her neck.”
Regardless, Kennedy is not defeated by their lack of response. In fact, she rejoices in her planned legacy: “Netflix’s true crimes are great, but I always hate it when no one dies,” said Kennedy, demoralized. “Luckily, I’ve already signed them the rights to my life’s limited series. They’re planning on hiring Sarah Koenig to be the narrator. If all goes according to plan, it should be coming out in the next two to three years.”
Kennedy then proceeded to message several Reddit users, asking them if they were “down to kill a bitch.”