By Drew Thomas-Nathan
WESTWOOD, CA — A vaccine for COVID-19 is finally here and just starting to be distributed. Sensing the beginning of the end, the virus that started it all went out for a bar crawl with its fellow contagious diseases Measles and Polio. But the night was derailed when COVID-19 had a mental breakdown and needed to be consoled.
“I thought hitting up a bar would surely cheer COVID up. It’s one of their classic moves,” said Measles. “So I took them out to one of my favorite spots by UCLA. I thought it would be enough to get their mind off the new vaccines, but they started crying uncontrollably like five minutes in. Must have finally hit them that their days of relevance are numbered.”
“I remember when I peaked,” said Polio. “I infected Franklin Delano Roosevelt. Guy’s lucky politics was mostly radio back then. Course no one tells you it’s all downhill from there when you’re still there, you know?”
Measles and Polio tried to reassure their distraught friend that just because there’s a vaccine doesn’t mean every human’s going to take it. “The W.H.O.’s been trying to get my ass for years,” said Polio. “Keyword ‘trying,’” added Measles. “Luckily there are religious nuts, people who think Bill Gates is trying to track them, and many, many folks who just don’t have accessible healthcare. Those people literally keep us going.”
COVID-19 wasn’t hearing any of it. It just raved, “Remember when I got Tom Hanks in Australia and everyone knew I was nothing to fuck with? I was on top of the world!” COVID insists that it still is, at least in the U.S. “But it doesn’t feel like it. People are going to malls and restaurants again. They’re not even afraid anymore. It’s like I’m invisible.”
The three sullen viruses left a big tip and went off to crash with their friend Rabies, who had found a new home inside a stray puppy.