Conservative Georgian Sits on Hand Before Voting So it Feels Like Someone Else is Screwing State Over

By Staff

MACON, GA — Shutting his blinds and opening an incognito tab to ogle exit polls, Georgian conservative Ted Lockmeyer sat on his hand before voting so it would feel like someone else was screwing his state over in its runoff Senate elections. 

While Brockmeyer expressed concern that the runoff elections were rigged, he was also thankful that he could vote in the privacy of his own home. “And besides, I prefer voting the old-fashioned way, with a pen and a piece of paper. I don’t need any special machines to cast one helluva vote, that’s for sure. Maybe a wadded-up Kleenex to test my pen out on first, but other than that, no tools.” 

According to Brockmeyer, he had to create elaborate fantasies where Republicans use their Senate majority to utterly dominate Democrats in order to “crank his ballot out.” He fantasized about Democrats approaching Republicans with a bloated COVID-19 bailout bill, which they would push deeper and deeper into the legislative chamber, only for Republicans to shut it down mere moments before signing it into completion. In one frenzied burst of activity, Brockmeyer imagined the successful re-election of Senators David Perdue and Kelly Loeffler would be enough to keep Trump in power, thereby forcing Biden to watch helplessly as another man absolutely railed his country for four years. 

While Brockmeyer expressed concern that the runoff elections were rigged, he was also thankful that he could vote in the privacy of his own home. “And besides, I prefer voting the old-fashioned way, with a pen and a piece of paper. I don’t need any special machines to cast one helluva vote, that’s for sure. Maybe a wadded-up Kleenex to test my pen out on first, but other than that, no tools.” 

Shortly thereafter, Brockmeyer admitted that while voting alone was “better than nothing,” he thought it was much more enjoyable with a partner. “My wife and I used to vote together all the time. We’d tuck our son in early, turn on some Hannity to set the mood, and spend the rest of the night voting until our wrists cramped. We used to be so wild; we’d leap right into the really dirty stuff, like voting for any candidate who promised to subsidize oil or turn low-income housing into another Cracker Barrel. Sometimes we experimented with restraints, like the time I voted to restrict reproductive rights for my wife, and other times we’d roleplay, like the time I pretended to be my long-dead cousin Daryl to cast an extra vote for Perdue. But nothing that hot and heavy can last. Now my wife makes all kinds of excuses when I ask her to vote with me, like the time she said we’d already voted in November and she ‘didn’t see why we needed to do it again so soon.’ The other night she told me she was ‘totally voting’ for Perdue and she made a bunch of noises like she was flipping through the voting packet, but I could tell she was faking it. That’s not even the worst part: this morning I caught her covering up a Jon Ossoff pin with her scarf!.”

Shortly after finishing his ballot and experiencing the rush of euphoria that came with it, Brockmeyer reported feeling empty. “I bet the polling place won’t even process my ballot,” he moaned, putting his head in his ink-soiled hands. “Why? Because I have the balls to stand up to the Democrats who would try to steal our country, our states, and our wives from us. It’s either that, or the fact that my ballot’s covered in semen.”