By Adam Sanderson
NORTH POLE – On December 25th, a new law allowing Santa-Co. LLC to refuse employee benefits from elves will roll out, exempting Mr. Claus or any of his affiliates from providing basic essentials such as dental insurance to his workers. Considering the North Pole only sells candy canes as toothbrushes, many elves are reconsidering their current situation.
“Here Santa goes again, always picking on the little guy,” said Frankus, an 396 year old elf smoking a candy cigarette. “Ever since you could order presents with a single tap of the phone, he’s been making unfair changes to our way of life from the comfort of his luxury apartment in San Francisco.”
After further investigation, this reporter found out that three years ago, Santa funded legislation legalizing gerrymandering above a latitude of 80 degrees, also known as the Tropic of Prancer. Since then, districts have been redrawn with thirty thousand elf families receiving five representatives and Santa Claus receiving the other four hundred and thirty-one.
Many voters are confused by this outrage, however, as in advertisements leading up to the most recent election, working elves were seen promoting “Yes” votes for Prop Twenty Two and a half. “It’s more important that we have freedom over financial security!” said elf proponent and aspiring actress Helsinka, before her Gingerbread house fell down due to poor icing insulation. After realizing she had just scored in her own goal, she stated, “Hey, at least Santa finally acknowledged me.”
We reached out to Santa for comment, but were swiftly handed a note from his lawyers stating that, “We feel for those suffering through these hard times. However, Santa knows what’s best for both the elves and his newborn child “ϐ. SÇ III the Second”.”
Other than that, all that can be seen for the future of the North Pole is in Santa’s latest email to those who use his services. “We hope to work together with our workers, moving forward as we create a more free, technologically adept society around the world. As a billionaire who practically owns everything money and cookies can buy, I relate to your struggle.”