By Finn Kobler
Ah, Christmas. Everyone’s favorite 3-month-long street fight between Jesus’ most devoted followers, earnestly trying to celebrate his birthday, and the tubby, Chorizo-sausage fingers of capitalism squeezing a secular profit out of every living family, rightfully equating their love for one another with their willingness to sacrifice their wallets in fealty to our thick-cocked overlord Amazon.com. (You know they say every time a bell rings, an angel buys a PS5 with express-shipping for his ugly kid, bankrupting his angel family until Spring: a trade he justifies to himself and his wife with a timid “what the heck, it’s Christmas?”)
Who doesn’t get excited by the warm imagery of the holiday alone? There’s elegantly decorated pine trees next to gingerbread houses, Santa careening through the night sky on his sleigh, and of course, Bloinkborx, the anti-semitic horse goblin in your attic who demands a present – otherwise he’ll fill your new year with bad luck.
We know how picky Bloinkborx has been with gifts in the past (remember when he throat-punched Little Stevie in 2009 because the macaroni-art frame he made had noodles missing?) so we’ve compiled a team of experts to make a list of 6 (cute-as-a-button) presents he’s sure to love this year
1. A Vinyl LP of “Straight Outta Lynnwood” by Weird Al Yankovic
It’s hard for anyone (human or alt-right mythical creature) to not enjoy this album. It’s catchy, campy fun. However, nothing will satisfy Bloinkborx more than the knowledge that, despite his curly hair and affectionate hit song “Pretty Fly For a Rabbi”, Weird Al is not actually Jewish! Just picture the joyous image of him dancing to “White and Nerdy” as he shouts “Ha! Hey Jews, how’s it feel to have the blood of Christ on your hands AND ZERO allegiance from the king of 80’s parody pop?”
2. Sliced Ham
You can often kill two birds with one stone with this gift: an offering for Bloinkborx and a yummy Christmas dinner for the family! Perhaps you have leftovers: Grandma didn’t have an appetite knowing she could be one of the 300,000+ Americans mercilessly killed by the pandemic? Or maybe your sister has gone vegan and for some reason, that threatens you? No problem. Just wrap those table scraps in a pretty box and give ‘em to Bloinkborx. One man’s trash is one troll’s treasure! (Just make sure the box isn’t cardboard. Cardboard will melt Bloinkborx and he will neigh to the tune of “How Soon is Now?” by the Smiths until he’s fully dissolved.)
3. A Signed Copy of Geraldo Rivera’s “Exposing Myself”
Even anti-semitic goblins have exceptions to their bigotries. Aside from Jesus, Rivera remains the only Jew whose opinions Bloinkborx respects. Are you curious about every disgusting detail of where the controversial FOX New’s Anchor’s micropenis has been? Bloinkborx sure is! And the self-congratulatory storytelling will be sure to keep all seventeen of his hideous, dodecahedral-shaped eyes glued to every page.
4. 3-Inch, Hands-Free Plastic Aneros Helix Trident Prostate Massager
Horse goblins are sexual beings, too! #FreeBloinky from the societal pressures associated with stallion-imp orgasm and give him a gift that’ll keep him stimulated (no pun intended. HA!) for the whole year! Everybody knows the horse goblin g-spots are in two of their four prostates (though the cheeky bastards will never tell you which two) and this non-porous, easy-to-use toy is sure to satisfy at least one of them!
5. $25 Starbucks Gift Card
When in doubt, just go with the safe choice. If it’s good enough for your idiot nephew, it’s good enough for Bloinkborx.
6. Name A Star After Him Via A Third-Party Website
Last but not least. In fact, this is easily the best option when it comes to gift ideas – for Bloinkborx or anyone else. Nothing is more exciting than knowing there’s a celestial body that nobody will discover in your lifetime named after you. Bloinkborx, like everyone, is delighted to know you spent fifty dollars on this when millions are begging for money for medical bills via GoFundMe and homelessness in America is surging. It’s especially exciting to Bloinkborx knowing he had absolutely no agency in choosing the star that his name is attached to forever more because, after all, Christmas gifts are a surprise. As an alien himself, he also knows well that, on the .000000000001% chance this star is discovered to be significant, the creatures inhabiting it will be more than happy letting him become the representative of their territory despite his crippling lack of understanding or interest in them. Rumor has it that If you give this gift to Bloinkborx, he might even be so happy, he ll stop being Anti-Semitic altogether. His heart will grow three sizes. He’ll solve world hunger. Hell, they might even put “Firefly” back on the air!
We hope these gifts inspired you and filled you with holiday cheer. Merry Christmas to all and happy bloinking!