By Mia Young
MINNEAPOLIS, MN — Recent college graduate Andrew Swanson made plans to head “up” to visit his best friend up in Iowa, despite the fact that Iowa is actually directly south of him.
“You know, I really hope he doesn’t get lost.” sighed his high school best friend, Sam. “He has no concept of direction. I tried to tell him he’d technically be heading ‘down’ here instead of ‘up’ but he just laughed and said ‘That’s a good one! Put that one in your tight five!’ I don’t even do stand up.”
“He’s so fucking stupid.” said Christie, Sam’s girlfriend. “I remember one time in high school during gym he scored into his own team’s goal. Babe, remember when he got beat up? That was so funny.”
The two explained that they told Andrew to buy a map to ensure that he takes the right roads and exits, but Andrew simply rejected their advice by saying, “A map? Do those even exist anymore? Don’t you guys know about Waze?”
They later tried to persuade Andrew yet again to invest in some form of directional assistance, but he refused one final time and insisted that they were making this more difficult than necessary. “Guys, I get it. Never Eat Soggy Waffles. I’ll be fine.. Wait is it clockwise or counterclockwise??”
At press time, Swanson was assuring his friends he wasn’t just “coming through” but staying with them for the weekend.