Vaccine to Be Made Available to The Most Fuckable People First

By Maggie Bowen

DETROIT, MI  – As Moderna and Pfzier rush to ship out their vaccines, the CDC laid out their priorities for administering the vaccine, determining the best course of action is to distribute it to the sexiest, most fuckable Americans first.  

Dr. Jamal Richmond from the Center for Disease Control issued a statement last night regarding the priority list. “Attractive people need to be first in line for the vaccine. Without them we’d have nothing good to look at. Nurses coincidentally fit this description so sexy healthcare workers will be made a priority, followed by sexy normal people, then healthcare workers who are uggos.”

A complex sexiness metric developed by Dr. Richmond helped guide the CDC’s decision making process.  “That ass is an essential business!” emphasized Dr.Richmond. “We need to make sure sexy people can maintain their looks and get it on without compromising their safety. Giving them priority means showing them we care.”

“I have a grandma sick with COVID so I understand the need to get the vaccine out to all the 9’s and 10’s in the United States as soon as possible,” said Gavin Mead of Ackworth, Iowa.  “Grandma Mabel  used to be a total babe when she was younger and I think she would have wanted us to be able to explore in our 20s the way she did with our grandpa.” 

Mead’s grandma spoke with us from her hospice bed “I don’t need some vaccine, I already have enough COVID! My last dying wish is that Gavin has some adult nap time with someone he loves.”