By Callahan Teceno
LOS ANGELES, CA — Yesterday, the University of Southern California’s School of Dramatic Arts released a new study, revealing that 80% of Bachelor of Fine Arts students believe that Bachelor of Arts students don’t know how to read.
The study, conducted over the last few months, exposes the division of students in SDA. Pushback from the results forced many students in the BFA cohort to defend their opinions. “Well, I mean, just look at my BFA class. We are stronger, faster, and more powerful than ever,” said sophomore Delaney Jones with an eye flash. “We will take over the world, one showcase at a time.”
Other BFA students were in disbelief when it was later revealed that most BA students can in fact read. “C’mon really?” claimed John Bennett from his Performing Content class. “No seriously. They do? Wow. Next thing you’re going to tell me is that they know Meisner… or have the right to vote!”
In order to better understand the study, the Sack of Troy questioned the 20% of BFAs who did say that BAs can read. “I mean sure, I know they can read. I’m not crazy,” said senior Lucy Cahill, “but they definitely don’t have basic speaking skills or Joe Hacker’s phone number.” When asked for her thoughts on students who decided to minor in Theatre or Performing Art Studies, Cahill responded, “Stop… there’s no such thing.”
In all this commotion, an anonymous acting professor stepped in to address the student divide. “After graduation, it truly does not matter what degree you hold as an artist,” she said, wearing many scarves. “Of course, that is, unless you are a rotten BA! Then you’re better off in the trash.” The professor then vanished in a puff of smoke.
SDA released a statement today that the study was originally created by jealous BA students, who were cut from the BFA program because they “were unable to achieve glory.” The Sack wanted to take comments from the BA students, but did not have the time to transcribe their poorly articulated statements.