by Toby Ilogu
SAN BERNARDINO, CA — On Thursday at approximately 4 a.m., police received a call from a distressed homeowner, Lucinda Gutierrez, who claimed that the Kool-Aid Man burst through the walls of her Los Angeles home.
“I had just put the baby back to sleep,” Gutierrez recalls. “All of a sudden, I hear, ‘BANG,’ followed by that awful, baritone croak… ‘Oh yeah!’ ” Lucinda shudders. “He wasn’t wearing clothes. I could see his ice cubes.”
Sources close to Kool-Aid Man report that he and Ms. Gutierrez briefly dated about two years prior to today’s incident: a fact that Gutierrez has long tried to forget. “It wasn’t healthy. I knew he wasn’t good for me,” she shared with The Sack of Troy. “Every day, I think to myself, ‘I could have a V8, what am I doing with my life?’”
Mr. Man’s toxicology report indicated an alarming JAC (Juice-Alcohol Content) of 0.5. “We’re not talking about some spiked punch bowl at the junior prom,” acknowledged Sack of Troy chief medical correspondent, Dr. Edwards, “… a juice to alc ratio of this proportion is downright disgusting.”
While he is yet to release a formal public statement, Kool-Aid Man’s most recent Tweet— posted on Thursday at 2 a.m.— offers this cryptic message: “Alpha Nu does it best”. Sources say the tweet may bear ties to USC’s Delta Gamma sorority chapter. Gutierrez seemed unsurprised by the discovery.
“I know him… Kool-Aid Man and alcohol is already dangerous,” said Gutierrez, “But throw sorority chicks into the mix and that’s a cocktail recipe for disaster.”