By Rachel Michelman
LOS ANGELES, CA — With the return of football for the Pac-12 Conference, sports gamblers now have the ability to bet on which teams will best spread the novel coronavirus to the communities the colleges are located in.
According to Commissioner Larry Scott, who is actually in charge of letting people play sports despite the wishes of Gavin Newsom, “Wow! Doesn’t a great game of football just give you chills and a little bit of a fever? I mean I’m just on the edge of my seat, I can barely breathe, or smell, or taste because I’m so excited!`” Scott took a break to wheeze, ask for an oxygen tank, and mention a sore throat before adding, “Who needs a mask when you can breathe easy knowing that these little men get to play with a ball!”
Gamblers have struggled with observing the adjustments to the teams on such short notice. “I’m excited they’ve returned, but how am I supposed to guess which players in the league will bring in the big wins?” exclaimed Adam Bennett, a man famous for getting paid by guessing things right. “I’m more prepared to guess which games will become COVID-19 hotspots that will dramatically affect the communities around them—especially if they’re lower income ones. Death is so much easier to predict than football.”
The players seem to be excited to return as well. UCLA linebacker Tony Witherstone “cannot wait to revisit the field.” “It’s going to be great to see everyone again. Coach tells us that we’re super at spreading out on the field. I’m so ready to earn people more money by catching balls and a virus that will weaken my immune system—and all for free!”
Famously unpopular USC Trojans head coach Clay Helton was excited for this upcoming season: “I know I can’t place bets on my own team—sorry, Pete Rose—but I think anyone who picks us will have picked the right team. My 18 to 22-year-old boys sure know what they’re doing—” Helton was interrupted by some players in the locker room’s intense coughs and USC quarterback Kedon Slovis running to a bathroom stall to vomit before continuing. “They’re bound to succeed this season and I cannot wait for them to carry the weight of the Victory Bell and guilt of the number of lives they are bound to infect with an extremely dangerous virus that has already killed 1.05 million others. I’m so proud of them.”
To keep up to date with all the new statistics, check out the new page on the Pac-12’s site labeled “Wins and Losses of Life!”