By Drew Thomas-Nathan
ISLA NUBLAR — Watch out Disney World! Fuck off Universal Studios! Eat shit Seaworld! There’s a new theme park in town and not only does it feature resurrected dinosaurs to play with but all of those dinosaurs are strong, independent women!
That’s right! Every safari that takes you close to a Stegosaurus, every helicopter ride up to a Pterodactyl nest, and every live feed where you can watch a Tyrannosaurus rex devour a squealing pig is showcasing feminine prowess straight from the Mesozoic Era. Does any other theme park come close to this level of feminism? Animal Kingdom? Why not Animal Queen-dom? Kill all your male animals, then we’ll talk.
It’s called Mundo Jurásico, but don’t let that exotic name scare you. They’re actually an American company that had to rebrand for legal reasons. But enough semantics about who they are, it only matters what they stand for: feminism.
The variety of species on display, from vivacious Velociraptors to lumbering Liopleurodons, helps normalize all kinds of body types for little girls everywhere. Bring your daughter to a place where she knows for sure that every razor-toothed water lizard she sees is a #girlboss just like her! She’ll come home with confidence that real Apatosauruses have curves!
Let your daughter’s inspiration continue when you bring home a stuffed hot pink #girlboss dino plushie from the Mundo Jurásico gift shop. Since all the dinos in the park are powerful females, all the knick-knacks and merch based on them are powerful females too! And in case there’s any doubt, every plushie comes with an anatomically correct dinosaur vagina. See for yourself!
Not only are their dinosaurs all lady-sauruses, but the newest class of hires for their R&D arm is 100% female or non-binary. From splicing together genes to create new super-deadly hybrid dinos to forgoing moral questions of whether they should even be doing this, these HBICs do everything a male scientist can do but this time in heels. The executive board is still 87.5% white men, but they support women in S.T.E.M. with several dino-mite scholarships!
You’re probably already sold, but do you know the best part of a dinosaur theme park only having female scaly killing machines? They’re all gay! And they’ve developed a way to reproduce with two females, even though keeping them from reproducing was specifically why the scientists made them all female in the first place. Love finds a way!
No true feminist would pass up the opportunity to support girl dinos and scientists alike with the Mundo Jurásico family season pass for just $1,993.99. It even comes with free life insurance! Order today!