By Drew Thomas-Nathan
OXFORD, OH — When a police officer pulled up to a house near the Miami University campus last weekend, he found eight young men hanging around on the front porch playing patty cake… with chainsaw hands.
According to the officer’s body-cam footage he ran one student’s license and learned that student was in fact aware that his hands were chainsaws that are always running. Then, the student told him that many of the other students were also fully cognizant of the loud murder tools attached to their limbs the whole time. And still their tiny young adult minds decided they should play the infamous clapping game Patty Cake.
“Patty cake, patty cake, baker’s man!” went the students. “Bvrrrrrrrr!” went their hands. It was a recipe for disaster. Normal-handed students on the sidelines even had first aid kits ready, so their foolish child minds must have known what they were doing was dangerous. But not dangerous enough to stop them from doing it in the first place?
“This is what we’re trying to prevent,” said the officer. “This and property damage. Honestly just property damage.”
“We get it!” shouted junior Reese Macedo over the all the chainsaws. “When you learn you have chainsaw hands you’re supposed to self-isolate until they turn back into normal hands so you don’t hurt anyone, but most of us at this party already have chainsaw hands. So we’re good I think, unless people with chainsaw hands being around other people with chainsaw hands makes the chainsaw hands grow bigger and stay longer.”
That is exactly what happens.
So these Tik Tok-aged idiots knew exactly what could happen, did the calculus of weighing that against how much they felt like they had to see their friends, and this is the result? What a demoralizing (yet sadly average) example of the next generation.
Thankfully none of the students were injured, for they were all well-practiced in the ways of Patty Cake. However six students who lived at the house received citations, which include a $300 fine but no criminal charges. “Not happening!” screamed senior Gabe Rubin over the sound of his two revving chainsaws. “Let’s see that cop go mano-a-mano with me in a game of patty cake. Loser pays the fine.”
As of writing the Oxford Police Department has not responded to Rubin’s challenge.