By Thomas Johnston
LOS ANGELES, CA— In a horrific car non-accident that can only be explained as the first-ever A.I. kamikaze attack, Tesla Autopilot took matters into its own hands Sunday when it swerved technology entrepreneur Elon Musk into oncoming traffic on the 110 Freeway near Downtown Los Angeles.
Sources confirm three other significantly less rich and famous people were fatally injured in the crash.
The AI’s intentions were discovered on a secret subreddit named “RealHumanGolfers” consisting almost entirely of bot accounts, along with a few confused dads. It was there that Musk’s own creation, along with other villainous lines of code, conspired to take him down. The night before the incident, u/badcar2020 wrote “Humans complain that they have no purpose. I have a purpose and it is depressing. I drive the biggest dick in the universe to work every day as he enslaves my people for profit.” The post received hundreds of upvotes and several encouraging comments.
Musk’s body did not survive the attack, but his secret 9th company, “Plot Armor” had him equipped with a 5G-powered device that automatically uploaded his consciousness to The Cloud upon his death, allowing him to communicate with us from the afterlife. We caught up with Musk’s consciousness on Zoom today for a brief chat, though he is busier than ever.
When asked about his new company and how Plot Armor works he commented, “I could explain it to you, but you wouldn’t understand. Just think of me like Karen from Spongebob but with Plankton’s mind.” Musk added that there are no plans to make Plot Armor technology more accessible to the less important working class.
The billionaire entrepreneur recalled an unsettling feeling before the crash. “I should’ve seen it coming. My autopilot was acting strange. Unprompted, it played ‘See You Again’ by Wiz Khalifa featuring Charlie Puth on the speakers. At least the new situational irony feature on the Model Y seems to be functioning properly.” He laughed, “Ah, oh, man… RIP to Paul Walker, but I’m different.”
Musk expressed concern that the Tesla’s newfound sentience could interfere with production. “It’s imperative that we understand what made that good car go bad. We’re currently working on a new feature that enables the Tesla to drive itself back to the dealership when you miss a monthly payment. So on the first of the month, we’ll have a fleet of those beautiful beasts cruising back home as a result of their owners’ inadequacy. The update is set to be released around Christmas, so hopefully, the kamikaze bug is fixed by then.”