By Mia Young
INDIANAPOLIS, IN — After an arduous search for a compatible donor, hometown hero Fred Miller was able to find a generous donor who could give him the greatest gift of all: friendship.
Miller was recently diagnosed with polycystic kidney disease, but has remained hopeful. “I just knew that there was the perfect someone out there who could give me what I needed. We posted fliers, social media posts, we even made a billboard. And finally, all our hard work paid off.”
After a slew of prank calls and mismatched blood types, the Miller household was contacted by Kenneth Craig with an offer they couldn’t refuse. “I saw his face on a billboard near my work and I knew I had to give him a call. He just seemed like a really great guy. Plus, when I found out we had the same blood type, I knew we would definitely get along.”
The pair met up for beers at Craig’s insistence, although Miller of course can’t drink beer. “We connected right away,” explained Miller, “I was just so glad at that point that someone had tested compatible, even if I did have to pay for his 3 beers.”
But complications arose when Miller tried to schedule the surgery.“Wait, you want my kidney?” Craig exclaimed in disbelief, “I thought this was just a platonic thing!” Miller was distraught, believing he had just lost his last chance at a new kidney. “It’s back to Craigslist I suppose…”
Craig, however, was shocked by the imposition.“I was ready to give him the greatest gift of all, friendship! And all he wanted was my kidney! How can he be so selfish?!”
Marsha, Fred’s wife, expressed her own disappointment. “I should’ve known when he said over the phone that he was willing to offer ‘a priceless treasure’ and asked Fred what his favorite Buffalo Wild Wings sauce is. We tried to ask if he had an allergy to any medications and he just kept saying ‘the only thing I’m allergic to is buzzkills.’ I’m just not sure what we can do at this point,” she said, breaking into tears.
Craig reportedly stopped returning Miller’s calls, claiming he was ‘a total square,’and Fred has since passed away from kidney failure.