By Jonathan Krone
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a dramatic shift in GOP rhetoric, Republican leadership has announced that they will introduce landmark new legislation to address the climate crisis, dubbed the “Virgin in a Volcano Act.”
Senate leader Mitch McConnell lauded the bill, which he says represents a huge step forward for the party of Lincoln. “It’s about time that Republicans stepped up on an issue right when it’s electorally convenient. We desperately need Gen Z, and apparently they believe in all this global warming stuff,” he said in a rousing call for unity, “So, as of today we are announcing that we will be seeking federal funding to procure a virginal young woman to throw into the fiery depths of a volcano in order to appease the demon that causes carbon emissions.”
“The only explanation for this so-called climate change is a vengeful demon punishing sinful humans for their transgressions,” said EPA administrator Scott Pruitt, “It’s come time for us to take this crisis seriously and present an offering to Raznarok. That’s his name by the way, it’s been scientifically proven.”
Trump came out in support as well, saying “Originally, the climate, it was started by the Chinese for, you know, they beat us in manufacturing. They’re doing better than us, can you believe it? But anyways, now, my people, and we have the very best people, they found out that apparently it’s some sort of evil demon. Hard to believe! Named Raznarok, I know. Very bad guy. And so we’re gonna deal with it, and we’re taking care of it. The best.”
Even some Democrats supported the measure, like Lizzie Fletcher from Texas, who voted across the aisle to tackle the otherworldly demonic threat of climate change. “It’s comforting to finally figure out the mysterious entity that is behind increased carbon emissions. I am eager to work with my colleagues, especially those who also receive donations from Enron, Koch Chemical, and other heroic energy job creators.”
At press time Democrats were working to insert key provisions to ensure that the virgin is selected from a diverse group of candidates.