by Melanie Hoffmann
GARDENA, CA – As Postmaster General Louis DeJoy overhauls the United States Postal Service, Americans are suffering due to delayed mail. Prescriptions are not being filled, small businesses are struggling, paychecks are late, but few people are suffering more than 26-year-old Lauren Keller, who is still waiting on her Hogwarts acceptance letter to be delivered.
Keller, wrapped in her Gryffindor blanket, spoke to Sack in an obviously fake British accent. “Trump’s actions are having really severe consequences. Say what you want about He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named, but at least he never screwed with the Owl Post!”
Hogwarts letters are typically sent to children at the age of eleven and delivered by owl. When asked why she thought she would receive a letter at the age of twenty-six through the USPS, Keller responded, “I’m sure there was some Time Turner hijinx, those things are always causing problems. Also, animal rights are a big deal now, they wouldn’t make the owls fly all the way to the US. It’s much easier to force the House Elves to mail them. Maybe my acceptance is for their new graduate school!”
The tardiness of her letter has not stopped Keller from preparing to attend the fictional magic school, much to the chagrin of her roommates. “Lauren runs around the apartment screaming vaguely Latin gibberish and waiting for something to happen,” said Georgia Fetterman, who Keller described as ‘a total Squib.’ “She’ll only stop if I flicker the lights or throw something at her when she’s not looking.” Amani Wallis said that Keller had claimed she “didn’t have enough galleons for rent.” “But when I walked into her room, I saw that she had spent hundreds of dollars on cauldrons, wands, and Gryffindor robes, which is crazy because she’s definitely a Hufflepuff.”
Keller brushed off her roommates complaints as “pure Muggle envy” but said she would make amends with them as she’d probably have to do her Charms and Potions lessons online because of the travel bans.