By Finn Kobler
A BIG OL’ TIRE, ND – For decades, the location of lost pilot Amelia Earhart has remained one of the biggest unsolved mysteries. After disappearing during a flight across the world in 1937, members of the U.S. navy spent years looking for her near the beaches of Nikumaroro Island (where she supposedly crashed). In January of 1939, officials declared her legally dead. However, officials were wrong, because last Friday, she was spotted right here – in this big ol’ tire!
“I didn’t run out of fuel! I landed safely and I’ve just been boolin’ face-down, ass-up in this huge honkin slab of rubber since World War 2” said the 123-year-old. “That Hitler guy seemed up-to-no-good so I figured I’d wait him out in the underbelly of this thick, black Goodyear. They’re ‘made to feel good’ after all. When America won, I planned on crawling out, but my navigator Fred Noonan reported to me that it really wasn’t worth it. He left the tire in ‘41 and has sent me updates every year since. Race wars? Occupation of Vietnam? That one show where it’s a teaching hospital and we all have to pretend Zach Braff is sexy? America really screwed the pooch! You won’t find any of that crap in momma’s 33-inch, extraterrain xanadu.”
The tire was spotted across the street from Gavin’s house. You know? Gavin? 5’11? friends with Short Bryce? Never shuts the fuck up about bitcoin? Yeah, Gavin! When a Sack reporter asked him how it felt knowing one of the most famous women in history was hiding in a car part mere feet away from his home, he replied “I don’t care. What goes on in that tire is the business of nobody but Lady Lindy. Anyway, wanna buy some adderall?”
While it may seem strange, Earhart noted it was actually very normal for celebrities with bizarre legacies to abandon everything and start living in junkyard objects. After further investigation, sources confirmed this to be true. The Zodiac Killer lives in a refrigerator box. The original host of Blue’s Clues resides in a bathtub covered by old “Hustler” magazines, and the cryogenically frozen head of Walt Disney can be found under a flattened waterbed from the 70’s. (Walt initially planned on hiding under his theme park, but changed his mind when he found out people were letting Jews on the rides).
A day after she made this comment, director David Lynch even noted that his show “Twin Peaks” was supposed to end with a similar case to Millie’s. “Yeah, my dream finale was actually Agent Cooper finding Laura Palmer alive – just eatin’ some corn nuts in a big-ass barrel, but I worried that was too ‘out there’ for my fans. I don’t like to be pretentious” he stated.Earhart’s case has revolutionized how law enforcement agencies search for people. Coast Guard Captain James Passarelli noted, after hearing about her reappearance: “Normally, for missing persons cases, we to do a ton of research, deploy search and rescue teams and use all the advanced technology at our disposal to best pinpoint where folks were last seen, but now I think we’re just gonna look under all the cool scraps we find and hope for the best.” This new strategy has gained traction (no pun intended) globally. In fact, just yesterday, the Royal Malaysian Air Force announced its new plan to locate the passengers of Missing Flight 370 is “to just look around the Indian Ocean for random garbage.” General Dato’ Sri Ackbal Bin Haji Abdul Samad says “if we see 90 thousand pounds worth of useless shit washed up on Tromelin Island, we’ll know we’re on the right track.”