by Rachel Michelman
ATLANTA, GA — Georgia Governor Brian Kemp met public expectations at Thursday’s press conference after declaring he would not require citizens to wear masks during the COVID-19 pandemic, in addition to shirts and shoes. This decision comes after the governor stated he planned on suing Atlanta Mayor Keisha Lance Bottoms for requiring Atlanta residents to wear masks.
“As a resident of Atlanta myself, I want to make sure that I have the right to bear my chapped lips and pouty little face,” stated Kemp. He added, “Atlanta business owners and employees should be able to show their bare skin wherever and whenever they want to!” The governor then proceeded to tear open his shirt, revealing a chest so pale that it instantly burned in the room’s fluorescent light.
President Donald Trump commented, “Brian’s a great guy. He’s a smart guy. I met with him recently and he’s very handsome—almost as handsome as me—but not quite! I think he’s got some great ideas… and very handsome ideas too, so we’re looking into making some of them federal laws.”
Georgia resident Doug Davis expressed his excitement at a local bar after the announcement. “Finally I can bear my calloused, athlete’s foot-infected feet in the name of freedom! If you don’t like ‘em, walk your way outta this country.”
However, Mayor Bottoms, who is self-quarantining after having tested positive for coronavirus, responded with a large sigh before shaking her head. “I for one will be wearing shirts, shoes, and masks. I’m surviving coronavirus, so there’s no way I’m going out by a rusty nail or UV radiation.”
At the end of his press conference, Kemp summed up his thoughts to the media: “I believe the people of Georgia will make the right decisions. Although it is proven that masks will stop the spread of COVID-19, shoes prevent tetanus, and shirts decrease the number of perverts staring, I want to make sure the citizens of Georgia are protected… from stupid policies, of course.”