By Drew Thomas-Nathan
LOS ANGELES, CA — Amidst ongoing Black Lives Matter protests across the world and at USC, President Carol Folt announced a robust plan to increase diversity in USC’s emailed statements sent out to the Trojan Family.
According to President Folt, pressures from students and faculty inspired the plan. “You have made your calls to action loud and clear,” she said. “USC shall immediately pour substantial resources into promoting diversity at our school, starting with our stale schoolwide emails. All our resources will go into emails.”
Folt said the effort was a long time coming. “Upon further inspection most of the previous emails did not meet USC’s standards. Many of them were only sent because of their legacy ties to previously sent emails, and a couple more emails were listed as rowing team members despite never showing up for practice,” she said. “This changes now.”
Jazzing up the emails will be handled by the newly created Email Diversity Renoodling Committee. Jay Madison, the new head of the committee, has also created several task forces investigating methods to make emails more fun. A special team of ten is currently looking into which Kermit the Frog memes would be most relevant to include with the next statement.
Madison detailed the scope of her operation. “We’ve spent over $150,000 on thesauruses because buzzwords like ‘equity’ and ‘inclusion’ are losing their meaning from the way the administration uses them so meaninglessly. We need to find new words to repeat endlessly until they’re useless mush to your eyes and ears.”
President Folt was quick to address possible criticisms of the email diversity plan. “I can see some Trojans saying they want immediate sweeping changes to reshape the homogenous culture and leadership of USC. But how are we going to diversify our school if we can’t even diversify our school’s emails? It’s better to dream small right now.”
Most students missed the announcement that USC emails would be more diverse going forward, as it came in the form of another dull mass email.