By Mia Young
BUFFALO, NY — Earlier this week high school junior Sam Rizzo reported that a three-month-old marijuana brownie had begun to sprout roots in the bottom of his backpack.
“Yeah, my guy gave it to me for free a while ago but I only smoke so I kind of forgot about it.” he said, taking a sip of his Monster Energy drink. “I bet it’d get you crazy high though, with the roots and all.”
In an attempt to understand the scientific mystery behind this occurrence, local botanist Sandra Bishop accepted the entire backpack as a specimen for research but found it hard to provide an explanation for the unlikely occurrence.
“I really have no idea,” she sighed. “I mean, it’s not a vegetable right? It’s a brownie, it’s made of chocolate. The only explanation would be that the cannabis (primarily sativa in this case) rehydrated itself using the fats in the brownie and somehow had enough air moisture content to begin the rooting process.”
When asked about the moisture contents of his galaxy print JanSport backpack, Rizzo simply shrugged and stated that he “kept Axe in there” and that it “might’ve spilled.” He stated that “Maybe the Axe like, watered the weed.”
He ignored any further questions entirely as he was preoccupied with “no-scoping these motherfuckers” on Xbox Live.
Bruce Rizzo, Sam’s father, gave his own remarks on the issue. “Yeah, he’s an idiot. My wife and I keep ours in the freezer.”