by Melanie Hoffmann
WALL STREET — As the novel coronavirus has been wreaking havoc on public life, amusement parks have been shuttered, leaving many without their favorite summer activity. But thrill seekers can get their fix in an unlikely place: The stock market graph. Financial analyst Gary Plurman, the guy who runs the stock market graph, has been simply tracing the track of El Toro at Six Flags Great Adventure for months now.
“The world needed a pick-me-up, much like the carts on the first big climb on El Toro!” Plurman told Sack. “Who wants a chart that reflects mass layoffs and the horrifying cracks in the economy COVID-19 has forced us to reflect upon? We need a chart that reminds me of the good old rollercoaster-riding days when you could scream and dispel your droplets over everyone in sight!”
Others in finance do not share Plurman’s opinion. Stock trader Derek Lincette said “El Toro’s old and wooden. The stock market needs something cool and modern. I would’ve used a steel coaster like X2!” Author of Existential Economy, Paul Matterson suggested using a coaster with a lot of loops because “the stock market can be both good and bad at the same time.” The White House put out a statement that the economy is actually incredibly stable thanks to Trump’s decisive action and Plurman should model the graph after a more patriotic theme park experience, such as The Hall of Presidents.
Plurman responded to his critics by announcing a change in course for the resurgence in COVID cases and the further disturbance of the economy. “I was thinking Expedition Everest from Disney World’s Animal Kingdom. The backwards plunge into darkness feels right on point!”
Plurman is also considering opening his own theme park based on the United States economy with thrilling rides such as 2008’s Finance Freefall Drop Tower and The Cyclical Poverty Carousel.