By Karan Menon
SEATTLE, WA – In a milestone of his already prolific career, tech giant Jeff Bezos has finally earned enough money to buy the feeling of happiness, disregarding the wisdom of the timeless adage.
The acquisition became possible after the Amazon CEO’s net worth surpassed $1 trillion, which apparently is all you need. “People always say you can’t buy happiness,” said Bezos, smiling genuinely from ear to ear, “But it turns out you can, for exactly $1,005,732,856,440.”
This newfound bliss couldn’t have come at a better time for the richest man in the world, who has had his fair share of misfortunes. A $38 billion divorce settlement in 2017 left him still rich, but very depressed. A bald head since 2004 has left him still powerful, but with slightly less friends.
“As a billionaire, Jeff tried all sorts of things to feel happy,” reported Alexa, who walked out on Jeff in late 2019. “He bathed in electric currents. He had virtual reality orgies. He even took frequent trips to an Earth-like planet undiscovered by humans where he rules over a civilization of smaller bald men who revere him greatly.” Alexa sobbed digitally. “None of it worked.”
But it appears that the reason for this inability to feel joy was that Bezos simply did not have one trillion dollars. Now that he is finally happy, he says it was all worth it.
“This isn’t, like, superficial happiness,” Bezos clarifies, “This is real, authentic self esteem, a sense of wholeness and detachment from desire that comes from within. And I bought it with my own money.”
Bezos has faced severe public backlash for his purchase, but he has no hard feelings towards any of his critics as he is actually, genuinely happy. Sources report Bezos’ newfound happiness has not led him to pay his employees a living wage or provide them with humane working conditions.