Local Man Reaches Bottom of Pornhub

By Jonathan Krone

HOBOKEN, NJ — During a long and unsuccessful search for the perfect porno to stroke his sausage to, local man Nathaniel Hernandez reached the amorphous void at the bottom of Pornhub. 

After a long day of pretending to be at work while actually being on Facebook, Nathaniel was ready to unwind with a quick nut. He began spanking his monkey and pressed ctrl+shift+N, beginning with his favorite category, “MILF,” searching for a brand new video to get his rocks off.  However, after scrolling through several pages, trying to filter by pornstar, and even using some creative search terms, still no luck.

“I knew the perfect video was out there for me,” said Hernandez, “but I just couldn’t find anything I hadn’t seen before under ‘+small tits +threesome +hentai.’ A lot of these girls had B cups… I’m not going for mediocrity here.”

With his patience and erection waning, he expanded his search terms to just “small tits,” and then “tits,” and then just “sex.” He scrolled through page after page, until he found himself at a place he never knew existed: the bottom of the entire website. No video thumbnails or even weird ads about boner pills and sex video games. Just a blank black screen that forced him to stare at his reflection and contemplate the emptiness of his soul.

“We’ve actually experienced several of these sad cases since quarantine began,” said Alice Hornsby, VP of User Experience at Pornhub. “Everyone wants to find the perfect new video to watch each time they choke their chicken. But for those special customers who reach the black empty void you get to when you’re literally out of porn, we offer one week of free Pornhub premium as well as a poster that says, ‘I got to the bottom of Pornhub and all I got was a free trial they offer to everyone.’”

Hernandez did not seem comforted by the poster. “Watching an anal gangbang just isn’t the same,” he sobbed, “when you know how it ends.”