by Jonathan Krone
Dayton, OH — After widespread fear surrounding the recent outbreak of coronavirus, local man Dennis Whitman finally decided to give basic human hygiene a trial run. After washing his hands for the first time, his expectations were surpassed. “Hey, this is kinda neat,” he said.
“I can’t believe no one thought of this before,” exclaimed Whitman about a practice which has been common practice for sensible humans for centuries, “You know, I may keep washing my hands even after coronavirus is cured!”
Whitman’s now-ex girlfriend Emily Douglas said, “I guess it kinda makes sense now that he only had that one bottle of SpongeBob SquarePants foamy soap,” referring to a bottle Whitman’s mother bought him in the sixth grade. “I thought he must have been using a refill bottle, but I guess he’s just been using water all these years.”
“He’s still using that stuff?” said a shocked Andrea Whitman, choking back tears. “Jesus Christ, I thought I raised him better than that.”
At press time, Whitman was stocking up on toilet paper so he could begin wiping his ass after shitting.