by Melanie Hoffmann
WASHINGTON, DC — The Supreme Court has finally found a compromise regarding the bipartisan issue of gerrymandering. In a unanimous vote, they ruled the practice of gerrymandering unconstitutional, unless the district is shaped like a penis.
Obama-appointed Justice Elena Kagan spoke candidly on the issue. “We knew Republicans wouldn’t budge on gerrymandering, so we just made the process harder and longer.”
District lines are set to be redrawn following the 2020 census, an action which many are lobbying to be renamed the “reDICKstricting.”
Initially, the Supreme Court released a general outline for what acceptable partisan gerrymandered districts could look like, but faced opposition from the Body Acceptance League of Lads (BALL). In response, a committee has been created to judge whether or not districts are phallic enough to excuse partisan gerrymandering.
A White House informant told Sack of Troy that President Donald Trump is supportive of the ruling, and is currently attempting to bribe state politicians to name their largest districts after him.