by Keith Herrmann
Cursive. Civil War generals. Sexual intercourse. What do these things have in common? The government made sure we learned allllll about them in school, but I have yet to run into any of them in real life.
Turn on the news these days, and chances are you’ll see some talking head yapping about how sex education is a tragically underfunded element of the public school system. But for all the horror stories they like to tell about unprotected sex, it hasn’t even been a remote threat for me in the four years since I graduated high school. That’s not to mention the glut of free condoms that they shove in your face in high school AND college. What, aren’t you going to hand out Yeti Repellent as well?
Today’s ivory-tower-dwelling elites need to fall back to Earth and realize that sex is simply not a relevant skillset for the modern teenager. I may need to be able to point to Topeka on a map, but will I ever find myself in a situation where I need to locate the “vagina”? I think I speak on behalf of all men when I say I’m rather doubtful.
Not only do these pointless lessons waste taxpayers’ hard-earned, cootie-free dollars, they waste time that could be better occupied by more relevant classes such as long-form improv, vaping, and winning online arguments. How many of our brain cells have been wasted on pointless phrases such as “the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell” and “the ova does not eat sperm cells like Pac-Man, Keith” and “girls don’t pee out of there, Keith”?
Sex has no place in the classroom because it has no place in my life, my friends’ lives, and – I have to assume – the lives of every other young adult in the United States. Despite its outsize presence in the mainstream media, I’m not even sure that sex exists.
Just ask my girlfriend. She probably agrees.