by Melanie Hoffmann
NEW/NORTH RESIDENTIAL COLLEGE — Freshman resident Randy Danvers caused widespread confusion among his floormates after hanging a J. Crew men’s sock on his room door, supposedly to signal that he was getting laid.
Danver’s roommate, Mike Easton, was baffled when he returned from his anatomy lecture. “I mean, I’m happy for him and all, but I don’t understand why he didn’t just text me.” Easton spoke to us while setting up a makeshift bed from the contents of his backpack in a study lounge with other sexiled freshmen. “I mean, it’s 2019.”
Neighbor Lisa Gardner weighed in on the situation. “It was really weird seeing that in the hall. This isn’t an eighties movie. Only virgins who are way too hyped to get some or guys who take sex advice from their dads hang up a sock.”
“Honestly, he totally put up the sock to convince people he was finally getting some action,” RA Charlie Sommers stated. “He probably thought it’d make the guys stop calling him Left Handy Randy.” (Sack’s investigation has found that it has not.)
Following the storm of criticism, Danvers has come to his own defense. “Everyone says not to take your phone out during a date,” he explained. “I was trying to be a gentleman!”
Sack went back to Danver’s residence for further comment but found a fuzzy sock on the door, perhaps signaling to his roommate that he was a furry.