by Jonathan Krone
TAPER HALL OF HUMANITIES — Tragedy struck the Trojan Family today when freshman Max Rosenberg starved to death, after becoming entrapped in a chair-desk hybrid for several days.
According to witnesses, Rosenberg was trapped in the strange contraption after a particularly boring Gender Studies lecture in which he fell asleep. “Yeah, I saw him asleep in the desk after class ended,” said classmate Adam Chen, “but I didn’t want to wake him up lest the desk pull me into its grasp.”
“Those things are part chair, part desk, and all death trap,” said sophomore Sophia Jenkins. “No wonder someone croaked in one. I mean, the desk spins around with the chair, you can’t even push it up or down, I have to like climb my way in.”
Abigail Richardson told her harrowing story about being trapped in a similar desk just three months ago. “I got trapped after I bent down to grab a pen from my backpack. I was stuck there for about four hours after class ended. Luckily, I was able to cut my own leg off with safety scissors and crawl my way out of the building.”
Some are questioning whether someone could help from one of the six different classes that met in the room where Rosemberg was literally dying. “Yeah I guess I noticed the guy in the back croaking, ‘Water…. water… please help,’ but honestly it was hard to hear over the creaking of my own desk,” said student Amy Andersen.
The custodial staff has also apologized, saying that although they did notice a strange smell in the room as Max’s corpse began to decay, they did not report it. Apparently, administrators specifically told them to ignore it, saying, “The last thing we need is another death.”