By Eloise Rollins-Fife
LOS ANGELES — They say three’s a crowd, and no one understands this better than Freddie Putz, a local man who recently found himself ousted by two more interesting friends on a cramped sidewalk.
“There we were, just three amígos— the three muskateers, if you will,” Putz explained, “When all of a sudden, the sidewalk went from a three-seater to a two-person bicycle with no room for little old Freddie to ride.”
Putz tried in vain to keep pace, but according to witnesses, companions Annie Walsh and Dylan Burton easily self-segregated on the small walkway, launching into a conversation about California’s native insects and leaving Putz in their dust.
“It was such a sad sight,” onlooker Bess Elis told The Sack of Troy. “I mean, who hasn’t fallen victim to a narrow sidewalk before? But it was the constant attempts to rejoin the conversation that really got my attention. Pretty pathetic,” she said.
According to Putz, “They definitely wanted to include me, but with sound dynamics and everything, I couldn’t hear too well. It sounded like they were missing their third, though!”
Walsh and Burton tell a different story, however: “We forgot he was even walking with us,” the two confirmed.
“Don’t get me wrong, Putz is a good guy,” Walsh said, “But I wouldn’t want to get stuck next to him on a narrow sidewalk.”
Witnesses report that eventually, Putz did a half-circle jog and ended up in front of the pair, walking backwards like a demented tourguide to include himself in their chat. At this, the pair abruptly changed directions, “forgetting” a last-minute change in destination.
As of press time, Putz is petitioning the city to widen its sidewalks, and has started a GoFundMe for the cause. Unfortunately, two more interesting GoFundMes have overshadowed his fundraiser.