by Chris Cheshire
HERITAGE HALL — In front of a stunned crowd of local journalists, USC Athletic Director Lynn Swann announced today that Madden Franchise Champion Chad Bronson would be the new offensive coordinator of USC Football, displacing recently appointed Graham Harrell.
“We decided we needed to reevaluate our hiring process after Kliff decided to leave, so we reached out to people who really do believe ‘it’s in the game,’” Swann explained. “It’s unfortunate that Graham had to hear this way, but after seeing that Bronson won the season with the Browns without leaving his couch, there was no way we were going to let him slip by.”
Bronson waddled out to the podium and squinted into the lights of the TV cameras. He mumbled something along the lines of, “Yeah, sure. Thanks, everyone,” before he caught a glimpse of the craft services table and excused himself from questions.
There few moments were filled with murmurs and confusion among the crowd as journalists tried to figure out just who Bronson was. Swann then announced a new partnership with EA Sports, and things became clear, if still confusing.
According to a fact sheet passed out after the press conference, Bronson had the #4 ranked Franchise team in the world in Madden NFL 12’s Franchise mode.
Some speculated that the move was made to save the program money. Bronson’s salary is rumored to be a semiannual delivery of 10 Crunchwrap Supremes or the equivalent in Mountain Dew Baja Blast.
Reached by phone, Head Coach Clay Helton assured reporters that, “Chad’s now part of the family, and deeply cares for football.” According to eyewitnesses, Bronson was recently spotted wandering around Howard Jones field carrying an Xbox controller listlessly hitting A.