by Drew Thomas-Nathan
GRIFFITH PARK, CA — Due to a lack of available freshman housing space, some students admitted for Spring 2019 may be housed inside occupied wolf dens far off campus, per USC Housing.
USC Housing director Gregory Schaffer promised the feral beasts’ hideouts have all been completely renovated. “They weren’t the best options,” he admitted of the caves known for overgrown foliage and dirt floors. “But, and it’s a pretty big ‘but,’ we added a bed with adjustable height and a microwave, so now it’s ready to house your fellow Trojans!”
Students will be living side-by-side with a pack of approximately 15 gray wolves. Schaffer explained, “USC always works closely with local residents to ensure that our developments best augment the established community. That family of wolves has been there for 27 years. USC would never want to break that generational streak.”
Freshman Riley Saunders, whose suite assignment was moved from Parkside to the wolf dens while the university fixes some leaky pipes, spoke kindly of his furry floormates. “They’re so sweet, always sharing raw spoils from the hunt. In fact, the school considers scavenging with the pack as my meal plan.” Saunders sordidly continued, “I do miss prepared meats, but now my immune system is just badass.”
Saunders’s roommate, Jose Rickman, also had few complaints for the wolves. “It’s like I’m living with a bunch of big doggies,” he said. “Sometimes they’ll all howl while I’m trying to sleep, but it’s still better than hearing the ambulance screech up to the dorms for whatever Johnny Fuckwit needs his stomach pumped tonight.”
Rickman went on to gush about the group itself. “The Alpha, Jasmine, she’s my RA,” he swooned. “She puts on such various ResEd events like hunting elk, and hunting moose, and beavers and rabbits. I’m really learning how to fend for myself, which’ll be handy for the next time Engemann can’t get me a therapist.”
One wolf den downside residents could agree on was the awful commute. Current resident Emma Harold testified, “It’s a 30-minute bus to the mountainside, then a 13 mile hike through a misty forest. Once you get to the entrance you have to solve a riddle delivered by a sickly river troll, which can take hours depending on his hints.” The whole trek can take upwards of six hours. Harold groaned, “It makes 8 a.m.’s impossible.”
USC has noted that it is not responsible for any damages that may occur during the wolves’ breeding season from late January to March.