by Chris Cheshire
The spick n’ span new threads in New North Room 1412 have absolutely no idea what’s coming down the tunnel, according to a wispy remnant found rotting in the dumpster behind EVK.
From what reporters could piece together, the remnant was, at one point, of a similar weave and thickness to the new carpet in Room 1412. The reporters had to stop trying to salvage the carpet after it was ruined by their collective projectile vomit upon finding the third partially-digested tater tot under a layer of fibers matted with chicken nugget crumbs.
Analysis of particular crumb consistency in the chicken and starch structure of the taters convinced experts that the carpet had been subjected to at least three distinct eras of dining hall tater tot—that’s more than six years of regurgitated Tyson product. On top of that, most of the digested matter was embedded before the 2016 election, marked by a significant uptick in alcohol-induced upchuck.
Closer analysis into the discarded carpet fiber found that the absorbed moisture content of the fabric actually held no traces of water. Instead, it was made up of about one-third ethanol, one-third organic acid, a fifth Bacardi Gold, and a collection of “unclassifiable fluids.”
When asked about the fate to which he damned the newly installed carpet, Jose Rivera of “Carpets Plus! Your Carpets at Your Prices™” said, “Yo, I don’t know man, I just put them in.” He did not express any remorse.
It is unclear how soon the new carpet will have to endure this deluge of filth, but experts estimate that parties during the first week of the semester can contribute up to half of the grime accumulated during the semester as a whole.