by Elise Vondra
CHICAGO, IL – Local Pholcidae George Williams likes the common name of his species, Daddy Longlegs. He likes the name so much, in fact, that Williams has been caught several times crawling across the tables at Wormhole, a local coffee shop, in hopes that someone will call him a “Daddy Longlegs.”
Williams told the Sack of Troy that the first time he heard the name Daddy Longlegs, his little spider soldier stood to attention, and he had never felt that level of arousal before. He felt electricity flowing through his veins, like he just snorted three kilos of Columbia’s finest snow. Williams believes that the names fits because he has fatherly qualities such as nice, slender, long legs, a well-paying job, and his peers crave his attention but never really get it.
Williams is a self-proclaimed “Daddy addict,” going out of his way to be seen by people in the hopes that they call him a Daddy Longlegs. According to Williams, all of his spider blood flows into his surprisingly large spider schlonger, and he simply can’t think. He knows he is flying too close to the sun.
Jessica Hernandez was eating brunch at Wormhole when she saw him on her plate.
“When I screamed, ‘Ew, a Daddy Longlegs,’ I swear I heard someone yell, ‘OH FUCK YEAH, BABY! FUCK! PROJECT YOUR DADDY ISSUES ONTO ME! OH YEAH, HATE ME HARDER,’” Hernandez said. “But it might have just been the bottomless mimosas.”
Ashley Jones was sipping a soy latte when she encountered Williams walking across her table.
“When I told my friend that I saw a Daddy Longlegs on our table” Jones said. “I think I saw his body shake, almost like he was having a little spider orgasm.”
“Oh yeah, I was cumming so fucking hard,” Williams agreed.
At press time, George Williams was found sadly squished on the bottom of a stiletto.