The Entire United Kingdom Drops Their Pretend Accents

by Susi Basse

LONDON, ENGLAND — The United Kingdom shocked the world today after a UN meeting in which the entire sovereign nation finally decided to drop their phony accents.

Prime Minister Theresa May’s seemingly mundane speech on foreign imports turned into a shocking development heard around the world. The prime minister began to abandon the traditional British lexicon by no longer making replacements, such as switching the word “lorries” with “trucks”.

The prime minister picked up on the murmur of confusion rippling around the room and addressed the crowd, speaking in plain, comprehensible, American English.

She admitted to a thoroughly flabbergasted audience that British people started using their fake accents in order to appear more distinguished to indigenous populations than they really were. After the events of World War I, the accent stuck around like a bad joke that has gone on for far too long. “Let’s face it, the sun has been setting on the British Empire ever since we invaded India for spices and then continued to not spice our food,” the Prime Minister explained.

Since the bombshell, British people everywhere have slowly begun to drop the accent, finally ridding the world of not-real words like “jumper” (sweater) and “hoighty-toighty tipper typer” (keyboard).

“Honestly? It feels UH-MAZE-ING,” said Catherine, Duchess of Cambridge, when asked for a comment. “I can’t wait to go kick it with ma gurls and just be like, real, y’know?”

Without the accents, the United Kingdom expects to lose some influence in certain political spheres such as Interpol and the Miss Universe pageant, but it hopes to create a strong alliance with smaller organizations such as the Alliance of Magicians.